Let’s just start off by saying, what a journey this has been! It seems like just last month we started this blog/website, even though it’s been a couple months since our last blog. Going to be completely honest for this one, and extremely vulnerable. We’ve had to be vulnerable every time because we know we are not the only ones facing this.
Okay, so to be completely real I had lost ALL faith in having a child. Since, I guess around September I got so busy and just stopped even thinking about it because as time went on and not seeing a child come forth I truly gave up. I kept pretty quite about it. When I would pray about it, I wouldn’t even hear God say anything, absolutely nothing. Mainly because my prayers went something like this, “Just tell me if I am going to have a child, tell me when. Reveal to me if and when a baby will come”… ok, everything in that prayer has already been answered, it’s all answered in His word because He promises us children. I had stopped speaking faith over children and stopped reading in the word the promise of having children too. So here I am begging and pleading for children, back at phase 1 because I chose to get lazy. That was the beginning of my faith becoming weak, because I stopped standing on the word for children. It was all downhill from there. For those who have been keeping up with our blog, you all know Jessica and I have been standing together in this process. So that was the 2nd problem that I never even told Jessica where I was at, which is also a big no no because then I also was going through all this alone. For the past 5 months I have felt like I was dying inside because I didn’t have anything left in me, not even an ounce of belief that I was going to have children. I think we all get in that season sometimes, keep in mind we don’t have to get in that season if we stay in the word on those promises and stay in fellowship with those who hold us accountable, but nonetheless I’m sure for the most part in some way we have fallen into that trap… and this was my trap.
I remember the day I told Jessica. She took it with a grain of salt because inside she knew this wasn’t truly my desire (Can we all just yell a big amen for those who believe for you even when you stop!). I could tell through that text conversation she just wasn’t having it. She didn’t rebuke me or even try to correct me, she just listened as I explained, and I even tried to use something God is calling me and my husband to do as an excuse to give up pretty much. She graciously just said ok, if that’s what is best then great. However she took it to God because we all know I hadn’t in a while. She began praying for me and fighting for me and went to war on my behalf. Something inside me was awakened and I had a desire to make a doctor appointment just to see where my body was at physically. I was having some cycle issues so they wanted to do a vaginal ultrasound. As I lay on the cold somewhat bed in what we all know to be that dreadful position, my uterus could be seen on that wonderful screen. The nurse really didn’t say anything, but staring at the screen I felt every desire swoop in so fast of how badly I wanted to see a baby one day on that screen. I then preceded to ask the nurse how many cysts she could see (that’s always been a main problem for me), her answer with amazement, “there’s absolutely no cysts, no mass, nothing. Nothing wrong at all. Your uterus is actually perfect, almost as if it’s preparing for a baby“… come again! Here I am, completely feeling like a failure in my faith for the past 5 months and I all of a sudden have a perfect uterus. You can only imagine how badly I wanted to scream and shout, but considering the predicament I was in, laying down with that thing…. well you know 😉 The best I could do was sing for joy in my heart! I left that office just in complete shock and amazement. How in the world did this happen, I had stopped believing, I had lost all faith. It was because of fellowship. This is exactly why God calls us to fellowship. He understand we get weak at time, He knows our faith may go lacking. Look at Paul and Silas who sang praises to God in that prison cell that not only their chains were loosed but all those in the entire prison were loosed as well. (Acts 16:25-26) Never seclude yourself. Never stop the fellowship. The enemy wants us to feel alone, because he knows we are less of a threat by ourselves. There will come a day when I hold my son or daughter, and I will not only have my amazing Father in heaven to thank, but also Jessica. When my faith was weak, because it truly was, hers rose up for me. It is so important we truly understand the importance of joining hands with those of like faith.
1 Corinthians 14:26 What is the outcome then, brethren? When you assemble, each one has a psalm, has a teaching, has a revelation, has a tongue, has an interpretation Let all things be done for edification.
We help edify one another!
1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build up one another, just as you also are doing.
We are to encourage and build one another up. When you notice you have become alone, it’s time to reach out.