To start off, we must understand truth. It’s His truth that sets us free. There was quite a bit of bondage from the very beginning of this child barring journey. To fully know where our hearts are at now and where we come from, you have to know every part, every struggle, every fear, every disappointment, and every heartache of this process. I did not start off deciding to have children automatically knowing His word on this situation. It was a desire in me, and most women, to have children soon after the I do’s. Unfortunately that wasn’t how things happened.
For me, it’s not about a lot of complications and struggles in my body. For a long time I thought it was, but, what has been holding me back was I didn’t trust God enough for His perfect timing. I have a hard time with wanting to control situations. I am planner, I have this idea in my head of how things should go and how they need to work out, and when it doesn’t go that way I get stressed and I re-plan it all over again in a new scenario. Because of being so stressed, that is what caused the issues, I was too controlling.
When me and Matt married in July of 2006, my mind instantly went to, “Ok, now time for a baby!”, not just me but many around us in our lives were also saying it. I think everyone was just excited, as were we. However, when we got married we were already in ministry. We were giving our everything to help other people and focus on those around us. As a newly married couple in the middle on ministry, it can get quite stressful because you are giving no time to the person you just committed yourself to for the next 50+ years. We didn’t have that blissful first year of a marriage, the “honey-moon stage” as most people call it because we focused on so many other people. From that ministry we went to be youth pastors and gave yet again our everything to everyone else. By no means do we regret anything we ever did, but within myself all I still wanted was a baby, and I tried to force it in a season in our lives we simply weren’t ready to have a baby in. So after 5 years of marriage (in and out of ministries) and still no luck, I went to the doctor thinking, surely there is something wrong. All it was a simple problem of not having high enough ovulation levels- caused by stress. Go figure. That stress that “it should be working out this way, not that way, and if we get pregnant now, by this time we’ll be here”… all those things that I was causing on myself! During the season around 3 years of marriage I started questioning God, “Why have you closed my womb?” I thought there was some kind of lesson He was trying to teach me, surely it was Him choosing this, not me. Going so long with no luck of getting pregnant, stress turned into doubt, then doubt into fear, then fear into giving up. I became willing to give it one more chance and I went to the doctor again (new doctor this time around) and it was the same result, your levels aren’t high enough and it can be easily fixed. To help in the process she prescribed me some medicine that would help straighten everything out. It would only take 3 months for everything to align. First month showed major improvement, second month was super high, so third month was almost guaranteed to see a positive in pregnancy… that’s when another opportunity came at us head on. We were asked to possibly adopt twin girls! Our hearts without even thinking twice jumped on the opportunity! Due to that circumstance I stopped the medicine and made sure I would not get pregnant-because lets face it, getting pregnant while about to adopt twin girls can cause anyone to freak out just a little. For 7 months we had been preparing for these girls (custody wasn’t going to be given to us for about 9 months). Two months before the hearing to get the girls I got the phone call I will never forget, we were not going to be able to adopt the girls. Shattered. Just like that, in a matter of 60 seconds it was stripped away from us. During those seven months of preparing, getting the safety plug-ins, painting their room pink, etc. we had decided that maybe this is what God had for us and we weren’t meant to have children. After that phone call, we almost didn’t know what to do from there. The disappointment was so strong and overwhelming, that thought of going back to the doctor again to work everything out to have kids of our own was the last thing I wanted. I wanted to give up completely because I couldn’t understand why all this happened. My love for God never changed, it just wasn’t apparent to me that I wanted it my way because I didn’t trust His plan, and I didn’t know the truth in His word when it came to having children. I believe in healing, that it was given to us when Jesus died on the cross and I have received healing in my body since I started studying it in His word. So for me, it wasn’t about believing for a miracle in my body, it was letting go of the situation and stop trying to make it work how I see it needs to happen. When it didn’t go my way, that fear started taking over that I couldn’t have children and I started believing it. I didn’t fully know what the Bible said about having children, only that some women in the bible struggled but God eventually made a way for them.
Through these last few months, and studying His word about children, my faith has grown tremendously. It wasn’t easy getting to this place of believing, and I am still learning more and more in His word everyday because His word is a lamp unto our feet (Psalm 119:105). For me, I was too controlling causing the problems within my body. Just two weeks ago I went back to the doctor to start the “trying” process again. I have to check my levels again in the next week, and I know and am believing for a good report, even believing for pregnancy, because that’s how good my God is! I don’t have to worry anymore or allow fear to hold me. His love casts out ALL fear! 1 John 4:18
So many times we try to blame God for situations in our lives, and we refuse to notice that we are the problem. I am a worship leader and for years I would sing songs about trusting Him, but I truly didn’t in every area of my life…until now! In the near future you will get to hear (read) that report that I am expecting, and then you will hear how amazing my pregnancy was, and soon after, that I gave birth without any complications to a perfectly healthy baby, or babies! 😉 It’s up to my faith! Ephesians 3:20 (my favorite verse) says He can do exceedingly, abundantly more than we could ever ask or think, ACCORDING TO THE POWER AT WORK WITHIN US. It’s not a question about if He has or can. Its according to us.
I am a very strong believer that spouses need to be in agreement in this process. I started reading Supernatural Childbirth, and wow, after the first two chapters I was completely amazed. I decided to ask my husband to join me in reading this book together because we both have to be in agreement and understand what His word says together. If you are at a place where you may have struggles believing, please study it out in His word, but not just you, ask your spouse to search with you. Where two or three are gathered (Matthew 18:20).
I wanted to share all this with you to let you know, I am not perfect. So you understand I am just like any other human. That I struggled, and I needed, still do need, to be taught by His word.