Why start a blog on one of the most intimate details of your life? That’s a good question. I am normally a very private person, and I didn’t want people to know about our past trouble of having children. Until we started the blog, only a handful of people knew about it. In order to fully answer the question, you need to know the events that lead up to the decision to start a blog.
When Ryan and I got married we decided to wait a few years to have children. I don’t think either of us thought we would have trouble having children. We were only 20 when we got married and we thought by the time we were 30 we would be close to done having children. We didn’t want to be “old” parents. My mom never had any trouble having children and neither did my sister. I never thought about studying the Word to find out what God said about childbearing because it is the most natural thing in the world. You fall in love, get married, and have babies. It didn’t happened that way for us, and it wasn’t until after a miscarriage that I started to find out what God said about childbearing.
Two years ago I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks. We were so ecstatic about having a baby, especially since we had been trying for a little over two years. I was going to finish college in a year, so it seemed like perfect timing. We went in for the first ultrasound at 7 weeks 2 days and there was no heartbeat, and they said I was having a missed miscarriage. We were completely devastated and in disbelief. After talking to the doctor, we decided to hold onto hope for a week and repeat the ultrasound to see if there was a heartbeat. I knew God could work a miracle, but I didn’t know the Word to back it up. I told my Mom and she agreed to believe with us and pray. We didn’t go to my pastor, or anyone else (not a wise decision). We just kept it all to ourselves (again not a wise decision). I knew there was some verse somewhere in the Bible that said, “none shall miscarry”, but it wasn’t in my heart. A week later we went back for the second ultrasound and there was still no heartbeat. There are no words to describe that kind of pain my husband and I felt. To make matters worse, it took 2 months for my HCG levels to go back down to 0, so I still felt pregnant for 2 months after the loss of our precious baby. I never once blamed God. I knew without a doubt in my heart he did not take my baby from me. John 10:10 says, “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.” The devil took my baby, not God. The only thing I knew to do was to run to God, and let him carry me until I was able to stand on my own two feet again. God picked up the pieces of my shattered heart and put it back together one day at a time. I promised myself I would not let that happen to another baby because the next time I would know what his Word said and I would stand on it. As my heart was healing, I began to wonder how enemy got in and ask God. The question went unanswered for months.
One day as I was listening to a sermon in church, the answer hit me. It was fear and lack of knowledge of the Word that allowed the enemy in. I’m not saying I know exactly what happened and why I miscarried, but I know my own fear and ignorance of the Word didn’t help. I didn’t know what God said about children, miscarriage, barrenness, etc. I knew God was a healer and that he could do it, but I didn’t completely without a doubt trust that he would do it. I feared miscarriage and I feared not being able to have children. At the time I didn’t know I even had those fears. I think those fears began as a teenager when I would hear other people talk about miscarriages and trouble having children, and I allowed the fear to creep into my heart without realizing it. After this revelation, I began to seek out every scripture I could find on miscarriage, children, barrenness, fear, faith, God’s faithfulness, and anything else that applied. (You can find most of those scriptures on our resource page.) I began to read the stories of other women in the Bible, who were barren and draw faith from it.
It’s 2 years after the miscarriage and still no baby yet, but now I know what the Word says and I hold fast to those promises. A few months ago I went to the doctor and found out that I am not ovulating, my uterine lining is way too thin, and that my ovaries are not being stimulated properly. My doctor started me on medication and I have had a little progress with it but he added a few other medications to help. Ultimately I don’t care what the doctor’s reports say because the doctor does not have the final say, my God does. In God’s Word it says, I have been healed by the stripes of Jesus (1Pt 2:24; Is. 53:5), it also says none shall be barren (Ex. 23:6; Deut. 7:13-14; Ps 113:9). I will rest in God’s faithfulness (1 Cor. 1:9) and stand in faith, and I will see my promised children. As my Mom reminded me this morning, we have to fight the good fight of faith and it’s hard, but if we stand and do not give up we will reap the promise. I have to learn to trust in God’s perfect timing, and not in my own timing.
I started this blog with Emily to encourage other women. For the past couple of months, we have just been lifting each other up with Word of God and standing in faith with each other and it is powerful. It is so powerful and so good we couldn’t wait to share it with other women even before we are pregnant. We are not in this alone. Galatians 6:2 says that we are supposed to carry each others burdens. I struggled alone for too long. It’s just awesome to have people who can lift you up and help strengthen your faith when you are going through the hard times. Women need to know that they are not alone in their struggles, and they need to know that it is God’s will for them to bear natural children and for them not to miscarry. They need to know that it is the devil that comes to destroy our families starting with the most innocent life, and it is not God taking our children. God didn’t allow it either. God’s Word is his will and we need to know it. Jesus made us to be victorious and he has given us authority over the enemy and we need to learn to use it. My hope is that by sharing some of the most painful details of my life I can encourage others to stand their ground and receive everything that God has for them. I know very soon I will be posting that I am expecting and then about my healthy pregnancy and birth.